Earlier this week, I made some inflammatory remarks on my personal Facebook page and looking back on those remarks as well as the other content I shared there, I’ve decided to no longer update my personal Facebook. I then wrote a really lengthy post explaining to everybody why I’m quitting Facebook and the reasons behind my frustration with the platform as well as my own life. I want to share that post with you guys here as well.
I want to thank everyone who reached out after my angry post, which I took down. I want to end things here on a better note than I did, so I’ll explain some things before I go.
I’ve been wanting to get away from Facebook for awhile now because I saw how toxic it’s become over the years, but mostly, it’s been consuming too much of my time because of my own need for self-validation, looking to see what connects with other people and what doesn’t, and taking it too personally when things don’t work out as planned.
A List of Grievances
A couple of months ago, I took a good hard look at myself and didn’t like who I was and what I was doing. I was falling back into bad habits again.
Eating fucking garbage all the time because I didn’t feel like cooking or was bored and needed some sensory stimulation. Gaining a fuck-ton of weight and hating myself everyday for how disgusting I look. How could any woman love something like that? Pathetic.
Being in the military has taught me to carry on with little to no sleep, which worked for getting through a mission underway, but even after I got out, I still felt the need to stay up really late only to turn around and wake up a scant couple of hours later for school or work. It helped me work through some tough projects and finals, but I didn’t need to do that all the time.
Looking at my Friends List here as I’m typing this, I see that I have 501 friends now. That’s more people than how many were stationed with me on Lassen or Curts! In high school, it would blow my mind if even 50 people cared enough to be my friend, but I’ve made 10 TIMES that! Amazing what 13 years can do, huh?
But even with so many friends, I’ve never felt so alone in my life. Even when I was miserable in the Navy, I at least had my division and my roommates when I got home. But now, aside from a couple of friends and family, I haven’t seen anybody since I got out.
Imagine my disappointment when I finally got out of the Navy and was able to spend some real time with my friends instead of trying to cram together everything into a week like I did when I came home on leave, nobody called. It wasn’t like I didn’t let anyone know I was getting out or when. But everyone’s got kids and full-time big-boy jobs now, so it’s expected that they wouldn’t have time to hang out. I just sat in my folks’ home waiting for 3 months before I could go apartment hunting.
Then I came out here to Kalamazoo Michigan, knowing no one and the closest relative being over 100 miles away. It was an uphill climb readjusting to civilian life, American life, and college student life all at the same time. I failed. A lot.
Had to get an apartment that cost too much because I haven’t rented a place in America for years at that point and so they were “taking a chance” with me. After the 5-month trial period ended and they could “trust” me, the rent came down. A little. I was still spending way too much for how little I was getting back in an apartment. Plus it was going downhill. Druggies were constantly running around my complex, and even as I was moving out, one idiot with his drug guard dogs stumbled into my apartment. So glad I got out of there.
After 6 months of looking for a job that would help me pay the bills along with the GI Bill and draining my savings, I caved in and got a kiddie job. The same job I had in high school. Can you imagine how humiliated I was having to crawl back to that stupid kid job? Someone who defended his country. Someone who had long since grown out of such petty work. But it’s the only place in the area that fits into my college schedule and can give me enough hours to pay the bills, so it can’t be helped.
Meanwhile I see all my friends doing so well having worked in their fields for years at this point, looking at me as someone still trying to play catch-up, working shit kid jobs and trying to make it in college. But how many countries outside of America have you visited? Hell, how many States have you visited?
Financial and emotional strain eventually took their toll on me and my grades started to slip. A lot. I decided to switch majors to something I was passionate about and my grades began to improve. I wanted to take easy courses to help really get my GPA up, but then apathy set in. Everything was TOO easy. I lost my motivation, my drive. I then transferred to a different school to work on more specific aspects of my major. I was challenged a bit more, but noticed that old habits were creeping up on me again, so that’s when I decided to make a change.
Enough Is Enough
First off, I decided to take a short break from school so I can better focus on what I want out of life. Just until the fall semester starts in September.
I’ve been working on building myself from the ground up. Eating better, following a healthy sleep schedule, reorganizing my apartment. Small steps that will lead to something bigger and reverse the habits. I’ve had slip-ups. I am fallible. But I still push on.
The next step is to remove other unhealthy habits that may seem trivial, but suck up a lot of my time. Namely Facebook.
I’ll still be on Messenger if you guys wanna talk to me, and I’ll still be running my Facebook aggregate page for my content. But aside from that, I’m done here.
I want to apologize to everyone I offended with my previous angry post. It was a release of anger, frustration, and suffering that had been building up for awhile now. I want to thank again those who reached out to me after that post as well.