For this week’s Deja Vuesday, we’re taking a look back to exactly three years ago when one of my good friends decided to end his own life:
Hey everybody it’s the Andy-San waking up from another crappy sleep.
I found out last night that Austin Harris, one of my best friends since high school, killed himself the other night. He said that he didn’t want to hurt anyone and he wasn’t finding what he was looking for in this life. My friends and I are taking it really hard. RIP my friend; I hope you find what you’re looking for.
I’m not just saying this for literary effect, but Austin was truly a unique individual. Although we were the same age, he seemed so much older with his thin frame and thinning hair that sharply contrasted with his age. He also had a big brother-like aura about him, and my friends and I really looked up to him and saw him not really as a role model, but as someone who’s fiercely intelligent and has seen some shit too.
Whenever Eriopolis and I would hang out with him, we would often talk about philosophy and he would give us something deep to ponder on from just casual conversation. Sometimes it hurt my head to be around him for too long because I was absorbing so much from him! 😉
At the time, I was shaken up by Austin’s death and was wondering where his consciousness was since he committed suicide. Was he going to go to heaven or hell? Now that I’m more spiritually aware than I was back then, I believe that he has gone back to the spiritual plane to review his life and it won’t be within my lifetime when he decides to reincarnate himself.
I know it may sound crazy, but hey; if the vast majority of people believe that when they die, an all-powerful inter-dimensional being will party with their ghost for all of eternity, then I can believe in reincarnation, mmm-kay? Wow, that was a lot of commas, haha!!
Austin, I hope that when you do reincarnate, you’ll know that suicide didn’t solve all of your problems in your previous life. You’ll be faced with many difficult challenges during your many stays here on the living plane, but you can’t let them consume you and win. I’ve been consumed by many of my problems and I often thought of suicide as a way to solve them. Whenever I have these kinds of moments, these feelings of just ending it all, I think of all the people who I’ll sadden by not being here on the living plane. My family, my friends, the readers of my blog, the viewers of my YouTube channels: all of these people want me to be around for longer than 23 years. I want me to be around here 🙂 .
Even if nobody wanted anything to do with me, I’d still burden my family with the cost of my death, not to mention that my unpaid student loans will become their responsibility. Who in good conscience would want to do that to their loved ones as a parting gift?
I quit my job as a ho of Sodex (Sodexho) because my grades are slipping so now I have no income until my grades get better. I’ve been in a depression ever since I heard about my sliding grades. I really need to get my shit together academically-speaking.
Although I didn’t really like my job at Sodexho (all I did was swipe food cards and wipe down tables), it did give me a good amount of pocket money just in case I wanted to do something with my friends like eat out.
Even though I quit in an attempt to improve my grades, it wasn’t enough and I ended up in academic suspension. I was able to get a second shot and worked me bollocks off, but after I heard that I couldn’t continue no matter how good my grades were, I fell into a deep depression and my grades went down with me. By the time I decided to give it another go, even just a little bit, it was once again too little-too late and I got expelled.
I have spent the last 2-3 years walking in a haze, going from job-to-job and being all-around miserable & dissatisfied with my life for no apparent reason. I’ve been trying to get back into college so that I can finish what I had started way back in 2004 when I started at ITT Tech 2 weeks after I graduated high school, but I was always stopping myself for some reason or another. This time, I have decided that I’m going to Owens Community College or Lansing Community College or Edison Community College starting at the beginning of January. I simply can’t stand idly by anymore while my happiness and overall satisfaction with my life continues to decline.
In other news, I’m still practicing on the guitar. I can’t wait to get another job so I can get another guitar. My Squier Affinity Strat, while it was fine learning stuff, isn’t giving me the sound I want and it’s buzzing like a mother. I’m looking for something with a sanded no-finish neck for super-smooth sliding, humbuckers to give me that rich fat tone, and a Floyd Rose for monster dive bombs and Dime Squeals.
Well I’m gonna go take a shower cuz I smell bad and it’s been a while. Peace!
My Squier Strat is still up at the music store to my knowledge. They removed the Scarface sticker and fixed the volume pot so that you can hear it, but it’s got so many nicks that I doubt that it’ll sell. When I get the money, I want to buy it back because it was a very important thing in my life and I want it back again.
Well, it’s been a blast looking at my past, but I’m outta here! See you guys next time around!!